I felt lonely today. I think it's because I had a harsh confront- ation with the Fall, but I didn't know that was what was happening at the time. Now, I now realize that the collision was inevitable: really it is only a matter of time until the brokenness of the world somehow breaks in on our little lives.
I think what's hard for us humans is that we are somehow wired to not think things should be broken -- and so that's why we take it so hard when something doesn't work right. Despite all evidence to the contrary, we are still surprised by our own disappointments. The constant stream of problems we encounter -- family strife, violence in the news, loss of financial security -- all of that should be plenty to innoculate us against surprise or fear when it hits close to home.
But it doesn't.
Today, it was the clear black and white evidence (literally) of something on an x-ray that sent me into fear. My back is broken -- a bone is out of place and it is causing pain and possible permanent damage to my nerves and spinal column. My first (and present) response to this information was, "Nope, not possible." This is irrational of course; I saw the misalignment with my own two eyes.
Why is this information so hard for me to accept? One, it feels unfair. I am too young to have a "back problem." It also is highly inconvenient; I don't have time or energy in reserve for something like this.
But the real reason I fail to see the broken bone for what it is is a defense mechanism -- my response is that of a human to a circumstance she cannot fully apprehend.
